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Tuesday, October 8, 2013

KID SHOWS AND WOOD-CHIPPERS



My son is now two, and at long last we’ve started to find TV shows that he will watch for upwards of 15 minutes. Don’t get me wrong, I'm not anti-TV, and I don't limit him to 15 minutes a day. I  would thank the stars if I could get him to watch a full 30 minutes of a show, but that’s just not in the cards at the moment.

Anyway, I’ve tried a number of kid-shows just to see if anything would click and in the process I’ve seen some things I’d like to forget.

What happened to children’s TV shows? Where’s Mr. Dress up or the Polk-a-dot Door? Casey and Pokaroo would hold my son’s attention, I’m sure of it, but if I had to guess those shows killed themselves when this latest round of kids programing entered the market.

Let’s get to it, shall we? It’s the month of Halloween, so I thought I’d point out some kid-shows that are CREEPY, and ones I’d very much like to see made into a Halloween movies…  violent Halloween movies.

First up, MAX and RUBY:

This one actually wouldn’t need a lot of work to turn into a Horror flick. If you haven’t seen it, let me give you a quick synopsis: Max and Ruby—two rabbits—are siblings living alone. Yep, that's about it. The parents aren’t anywhere to be found, and I’m fairly sure they’ve been murdered… no doubt by that psychopath Ruby. But, If Ruby’s not responsible, my money would be on the crazy grandma who pokes her head in every few days. I mean, seriously, where are social services?



CAILLOU:

Oh how I want this bald headed kid harmed. 

I’ve never met a parent who likes this show. It’s one of the only shows my kid actually LOVES. I mean, he will actually sit and watch a full 15 minutes. That’s 15 minutes I can use to get stuff done, and so I’m grateful for that, Caillou, truly. Thank you. I just want your winy little voice to be permanently silenced.





Feel free to print this image and use it in a gun range

TOOPY AND BINOO

Yep, that’s the name of the show, and just so you’re adequately warned, it's just not possible to listen to the theme song and not want jump into a wood chipper. It’s a rat and a stuffed animal and I wish them both a slow death. You know what, the Halloween version of this show would be brilliant with the inclusion of a wood-chipper.








 
 THOMAS THE TRAIN:
Um, am I the only one who thinks this is already a horror movie? The first time I tried this show on my son I had nightmares about those creepy human faces on the trains. Every time I see that show I want to throw holy water at the TV. 





 

CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG:

I’ll end with this one. We all know the story, and I don’t actually hate this show, but I think it would make a great horror movie. 

I mean, you have a giant dog on a secluded Island. I’d like to see Clifford get rabies and take down Birdwell Island like a … well, like a rabid dog! I want that blue dog, Machiavelli, to be the first casualty. I mean who names a dog Machiavelli? I’ll tell you who. Cat people, that's who.

 *No offense, cat-people, I know you control the internet and I mean you no disrespect, but you have to admit, the name "Machiavelli" belongs to cats (or Italian philosophers I suppose). 

So what about you guys? Any kids shows stand out in your mind as particularly horrifying? Do you remember any disturbing ones from your youth, or from when your kids were growing up? Let’s hear ‘em!

6 comments:

Julie Luek said...

When my kids were little it was.. gasp and shudder. .. Barney. The big purple, hugely annoying, way-too-happy-to-be-without-drugs, dinosaur. My son loved him. I still can hear his theme song echoing in my head like a nightmare.

Steven W said...

@ Julie - *shivers* I remember Barney. I actually think that show is still on the air--I'm sure I saw it on the listings once. But I refuse to introduce my son to that monster.

Steve MC said...

Yes, beware of the Barney, by all means.

HR Pufnstuff was really freaky for me as a kid. Still is, I bet.

And I bet BINOO is probably just the sound that cat would make falling in a wood chipper.

Avery Olive said...

I think every parent out there feels your pain. I HATE Max and Ruby. I CANNOT stand Caillou, he whines and honestly, I expect much more from a four year old lol I can honestly admit to being able to sing the Toopy and Binoo theme song. Thomas, is creepy, and my son had a serious addiction when he was two and three.

But, not all kid shows are bad. Just wait a couple of years, when your son will be ready for Phineas and Ferb. BEST SHOW EVER! I mean, it's totally unrealistic, but it's actually bearable for an adult to watch!

Mattthew Iversen said...

too funny, I gotta get me some holy water for some shows lol, surprised you didn't add tellytubbies, I mean, theyre like cyborg babys from froot loop planet, im pretty sure they worshipped the baby in the sun.
-Matthew

Steven W said...

@Steve - I hadn't heard of HR Pufnstuff before, so I looked it up and I have to agree with you that it seems very creepy. When you can't identify what sort of creature the characters are, that should be a red-flag to producers I think.

@Avery - Thomas the train is edging out all other shows for my son now, I think it might have to do with the fact that he was given a small train set and is obsessed with it too. And thank you for giving me some hope that the future isn't so bleak for children's broadcasting. I will watch for Phineas and Ferb :)

@Matthew - HA, you're so right. How could I forget Tellytubbies? Most likely I blocked it out of my memory so I could forget those weird beeping, and chirping creatures. 30 minutes of a show that doesn't have a single word. Creepy as it is, whoever pitched that show to TV producers and made a deal must be the world's greatest salesman.

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