RSS Feeds

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Blame the Mayans!

I’m going to blame my absence from the blogosphere on the Mayans. They promised the end of the world and failed to deliver! I was in my bunker (a.k.a. the trunk of my car), living on the four week supply of marshmallows and red bull I’d squirreled away. Little known fact about marshmallows and red bull, they’re not nearly as nutritious as you might think they are. 

*I am ignoring your blank stares*

Can you believe it's 2013? I’m not going to lie, 2012 didn’t go as I’d hoped it would, so I’m taking a mulligan. I think you can do that once in lifetime, like you can in golf (*disclaimer, although my golf experience has been limited to those pitch-and-putt courses, and mini-golf, I’m comfortable calling myself a “golf-pro” but I will put the term in quotes).

Also, since I’m garbage at keeping New Year’s resolutions, I’ve decided this year I’m going to make a couple for other people.

I know what you’re thinking. “Wow, how very gracious of you, Steve.”

I know. *bows* I exist but to serve….

So here we go. *Ahem* New Year’s resolutions for others:

Frist, to the designers and manufacturers of microwave ovens. You hereby resolve to invent a silent version of the microwave. Why the buttons must beep when you push them, and why it must beep when the 30 seconds I’m using it has come to an end, is beyond me. Regular ovens do neither and we’re all doing all right with those, aren’t we? There needs to be, at a minimum, a toggle switch that can turn off the sound. How can I make smores at two in the morning without waking my wife if the buttons beep every time I push them?

Second, internet trolls. Those surfers who troll websites and message boards looking to harass, belittle or otherwise troll for conflict. Why do you do it? My resolution for you is to please treat your comments online as if they are not anonymous. Pretend you’re standing face-to-face with the person you’re talking to and type messages accordingly. There would be less bullying, and the internet would be a little bit of a nicer place to play.

Third, and finally, my resolution is for hearing-aids. Not that I want them to change, or anything, they do a great job! Rather, I ask for people to stop seeing hearing aids as the mark of the disabled. At least, not the mark of anyone more disabled than someone wearing glasses. I think it’s . . . let’s just say “odd,” that someone who wears a hearing aid is seen differently than someone who wears glasses. Did that sound like a rant? apologies!

All right, what about you fine folks? Any resolutions you’d like to make for others? I should warn you, though, that recent estimates indicate that this blog is being viewed by upwards of a dozen people (hold your gasps!) so if you post something you might want to keep it non-personal/specific – i.e. perhaps you want your mother-in-law to resolve to take up parachute-less skydiving, or your neighbor with the yappy dog to resolve to feed their mutt nothing but chocolate for a week. But those kinds of resolutions might not be best to put in writing.

Looking forward to the replies!


spiderboy said...

Guilty! I have to say I’m totally guilty of sometimes seeing people with hearing aids as more challenged than people with glasses, but you’re right, I shouldn't. I'm not sure why I do actually. I to think that there is to much trolling that goes on online. But I think marshmellos and redbull are exactly as nutricious as I think they are and even more nutricious when you microwave them. HA! Happy new year to you to.

GaBbaP Gabbap said...

Funny post! I like that your bunker is in your trunk, but I fear for your heath after 4 weeks of such a diet.

If I could make a new years resolution for someone else it would be for the guy who lives below me to resolve to take a vow of silence. He is so noisy and has just weird sleeping habits, which I know about because of how noisy he is.

JeffO said...

I've heard of 'trunk novel' before, but never 'trunk novelist.' Nice to see you back, hope things are going well.

Steven W said...

Thanks for stopping in, guys! I'm hoping to get back into a blogging groove. I need to just set a schedule. I have one for writing, and it works great, but I've never pushed myself to have one for blogging . . . . perhaps I fear commitment.

HK said...

Yes! I wear two hearing aids, and it's such that I can not wear those small nearly invisible ones. In any case, when I have my aids in, I can almost hear a whisper. When they’re not in, I hardly hear a scream. When I wear my aids people talk to me like I'm severely challenged. When I don’t have my aids in, and I ask someone to repeat themselves, they almost look offended. But if you wear glasses, no one things anything of it, and if you squint because you forgot your glasses people hardly notice. I am forever frustrated at how different it is! Thanks for posting that.

Post a Comment