I’ve decided that when I think of a life lesson I’ll one day teach my child, I’ll jot them down on this blog under the incredibly original heading: LIFE LESSONS. They'll not be in any chronological order. I'll just jot them down as I think of them.
*Rubs hands together* Okay, time for lesson number one. For the past nine months (and seven days) I’ve had front row seats to my wife’s pregnancy. I have reached the conclusion that there is one LIFE LESSON that has not been taught to enough people (men and women). That lesson is: What NOT to say to a pregnant woman.
So here you go. If you feel the urge to utter any one of these comments, resist it!
1.. You. Are. Huge!
2.. You look like you’re ready to pop.
3.. That shirt is sure working hard.
4. You’re really “busting” out of your shirt. (First of all, it’s creepy that you’re staring at her chest. Second, it’s doubly creepy that you mention it.)
5.. You look like you don’t get much sleep.
6.. You know you’re not really eating for two, right?
7.. I didn’t get any stretch marks when I had my baby. (You know what, just avoid any “stretch mark” related comment in general)
8.. Are you sure you don’t have twins in there?
9.. Hi, big momma.
10.. When I was in labor … [insert story of unimaginable pain and horror]
11.. That baby is going to be huge!
“Thank you, Steve,” you say. “That’s a good list and I appreciate the information. But now I’m afraid of pregnant women. Do you happen to know if they’re like bees? Can they smell fear?”
Good question. The answer is, probably. But don’t worry.
Although pregnant women can be as frightening as rabid hyenas, I have the solution. One phrase that will work 99% of the time. Commit it to memory and use it often. Not only will you avoid offending someone, but you’ll also avoid having that woman’s husband plot your death for leaving him to clean up your mess.
Ready? Here it is.
“WOW, YOU LOOK AMAZING.”
It works in every situation, can be employed when you’re alone or in a group, and is unlikely to offend … E
xcept in that 1% of the time when hormones have made it so anything you say is the wrong thing. In that case the best I can suggest is that you do what you would do in any emergency: Stop. Drop. And roll. It's a long shot, but it just might work.
*Dusts off hands* There you go. The world is a
safer better place now that fewer pregnant women will be offended. If any of you have suggestions for comments that should be added to the list, please put them in the comment section.
Tomorrow is induction day, folks, so If you don’t hear from me for a while, it means I’m changing diapers.