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Thursday, July 28, 2011

Life lesson #1: How to talk to a pregnant woman

I’ve decided that when I think of a life lesson I’ll one day teach my child, I’ll jot them down on this blog under the incredibly original heading: LIFE LESSONS. They'll not be in any chronological order. I'll just jot them down as I think of them. 

*Rubs hands together* Okay, time for lesson number one. For the past nine months (and seven days) I’ve had front row seats to my wife’s pregnancy. I have reached the conclusion that there is one LIFE LESSON that has not been taught to enough people (men and women). That lesson is: What NOT to say to a pregnant woman.

So here you go. If you feel the urge to utter any one of these comments, resist it!

1.. You. Are. Huge!

2.. You look like you’re ready to pop.

3.. That shirt is sure working hard.

4. You’re really “busting” out of your shirt. (First of all, it’s creepy that you’re staring at her chest. Second, it’s doubly creepy that you mention it.)

5.. You look like you don’t get much sleep.

6.. You know you’re not really eating for two, right?

7.. I didn’t get any stretch marks when I had my baby. (You know what, just avoid any “stretch mark” related comment in general)

8.. Are you sure you don’t have twins in there?

9.. Hi, big momma.

10.. When I was in labor … [insert story of unimaginable pain and horror]

11.. That baby is going to be huge!

“Thank you, Steve,” you say. “That’s a good list and I appreciate the information. But now I’m afraid of pregnant women. Do you happen to know if they’re like bees? Can they smell fear?”

Good question. The answer is, probably. But don’t worry. Although pregnant women can be as frightening as rabid hyenas, I have the solution. One phrase that will work 99% of the time. Commit it to memory and use it often. Not only will you avoid offending someone, but you’ll also avoid having that woman’s husband plot your death for leaving him to clean up your mess.

Ready? Here it is.


It works in every situation, can be employed when you’re alone or in a group, and is unlikely to offend … Except in that 1% of the time when hormones have made it so anything you say is the wrong thing. In that case the best I can suggest is that you do what you would do in any emergency: Stop. Drop. And roll. It's a long shot, but it just might work.

*Dusts off hands* There you go. The world is a safer better place now that fewer pregnant women will be offended. If any of you have suggestions for comments that should be added to the list, please put them in the comment section.

Tomorrow is induction day, folks, so If you don’t hear from me for a while, it means I’m changing diapers. 


Jen said...

lol! Sadly, I heard most of these when I was prego as well. I also "loved it" when people asked me how I was feeling. I don't know why it bothered me so much but I just wanted to slap them and say "How is that feeling?"

Good luck with your new little bundle of joy!

JeffO said...

Ha, ha, pretty hysterical. And true. I'm fortunate, my wife was a (mostly) happy pregnant woman. She was huge, and she did look great.

One other thing you might want to add: "Yes, dear." To anything she says, no matter how unreasonable it may seem.

Best of luck to you, your wife, and the soon-to-be-born tomorrow.

~Charity~ said...

This is great! Good luck with the new baby!

Alisha Souillet said...

Great list, I agree, "Yes, Dear" is an important one.
Also, I HATED when strangers, young, old, homeless, crazy, stinky, people would come up, extend their hand and give the old belly a rub, WITHOUT PERMISSION!
I mean, seriously, I have a personal space bubble, I like my bubble to stay unpenatrated. Or at the very least ask persmission, I'd probably say no, but still. Don't just assume that rubbing a pregnant belly of a stranger is OKAY. IT'S NOT. After nine months though, I did have a look. I practised this look, so much that if I seen a hand reaching out, I'd just give the person the look, and BAM that hand retracted so fast and the person awkwardly stepped back and walked away.


Sneha Sunny said...

lol..... i think you were experimenting on these things while your wife's pregnancy. great observations I must

Carrie Butler said...

You could rename this list: The Eleven Quickest Paths to an Early Death. ;) Seriously, I love it. Great advice, Steve, and best of luck to you guys tomorrow!

L.J. said...

Hahaha! Loved this. I don't remember if any of them were said to me or not though. That's probably a good thing! Good luck tomorrow!!

Lauren F. Boyd said...

Hey, Steve! Many congrats on tomorrow being the induction day! Enjoy your little one! They're the best! :)

And you're right - "Wow, you look amazing" is a very safe thing to say to a pregnant woman. HAHA! :)

Jeff King said...

Yes, there is a learning curve.

Francesca Zappia said...

I'm just going to come to your blog every time I need to laugh. Awesome post.

Also: I awarded you! ^_^ It's over at my blog!

Aimee Renee said...

Aw congratulations on the baby! :D And very humorous post.

April said...

Wow, people actually said some of those things to your wife? Unbelievable! I know how I'd feel if I were all pregnant. I'd feel fat and ugly. I know I would. And I would not be able to handle comments like that. Good for you! Those are great life lessons for your chilid...and quite a few other people out there as well.

Mark Noce said...

Lol, good comments to always have in one's back pocket;) Cool blog:)

Julie Daines said...

HAHA! That was awesome! I wish people had read this when I was pregnant!

Mahak Jain said...

I am pretty sure I broke most of these rules when my sister was pregnant =X....but I am sure the cuteness of my niece makes up for it. Congratulations, Steve, on this great next adventure :).

Sarah Pearson said...

Another tip. If the pregnant woman in your life goes into labour unexpectedly and it's down to you to find a going home outfit for her? Don't assume that now she's given birth she'll fit right back into those pre pregnancy jeans. You'll make her cry. A lot.

Steven Whibley said...

@Jen – HA! I believe I heard my wife say that a few times.

@Carrie – I should have used your title! That’s awesome.

@Mahak – haha, well, perhaps when it’s your sister you’re less likely to catch an elbow ;P that or maybe she knew she'd get revenge by having you change a few diapers! If I said any of those things to any of my sisters while I was growing up, I’d still be in the ICU.

@Sarah – Great advice!

Eli Ashpence said...

LOL Great list! I remember the thing I hated most when I was pregnant were the constant suggestions that I should take a walk.... or the insinuations that I wasn't exercising enough. I was fat, bloated, and both my back and feet hurt constantly. Having ANYONE talk about exercise was annoying and triggered every b*tch hormone I had available.

Also... to the guys out there... here's a helpful note. If you've got to go to the bathroom, do it before you get to the hospital. It doesn't matter if the labor takes ten hours. You better hold it.

Carrie Butler said...

Psst... there's something for you on my blog today. :)

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