Here’s the email I got from the marketing department:
"Hi Steve, Could you send me a short paragraph about yourself for the website? Thanks"
It seems like a simple request for an author biography, right? Wrong! You have to look closer, and maybe squint your right eye. Being one who’s trained in the art of subtlty, I see through the pretense in that sentence as easily as I see though a fishnet unitard on a sumo wrestler *shivers at memory*. Do you want me to tell you what it really says? Ahem:
"Steve, I sure hope you’ve lived a remarkable life so far. We’re going to need a paragraph about you for the website, something that makes you seem likable; not just to readers, but also by subsidiary rights agents considering your books for other markets. Make it interesting! Oh, and since I’m only asking for a paragraph I expect it by the end of the day or I’ll consider you a genuine HACK. Tick tock, tick tock, sucker!"
Needless to say, by the forty-third draft I’d broken into a cold sweat, started to hear voices and could smell the distinct aroma of burnt toast. Which brings me to my current state, and my plea to you, dear blog reader. I need your help. Here’s what I’m thinking. We use this page and comments section below to draft the worst author biographies you can think of. That way, when “Author bio” is Googled the search results will be so muddied by nonsense that my real bio will look like a bedazzled piece of Gold-pressed Latinum. It can be a bio you might see in a book, or one that might be in a newspaper. It can be a sentence or a paragraph. It doesn’t matter.
Making stuff up is what I do, so I’ll start:
McSweedy Von Flanagan the Third is the author of several brilliant literary works, the most notable of which being, The End Is Near! A story distributed in spoken word by this team of homeless doomsday prophets. An amateur archaeologist, and self proclaimed aficionado of everything really old, Von Flanagan has etched his newest book, I’m Not Crazy, You Are, into clay tablets using only Sumerian hieroglyphs and the letter Q. Asked about his unorthodox approach to publishing, Von Flanagan said, “I’m a genius. If people want to read my books they should have to translate them. They’ll appreciate them more.”Okay. You’re up. Don’t let me down!